Wednesday, October 01, 2008

The starscape

The neurologist told us last week that we should start thinking ahead, way ahead, to Robert's future and what would be appropriate for him.  Not that the good doctor offered much in the way of suggestions.  I responded, pretty firmly, that I never think ahead more than a year at a time.  He seemed surprised by that answer.  

But I meant it.  Every time I think more than a year ahead, the dozens of meteoric variables rushing past my head threaten whiplash.  Sometimes the future does come at you, rather than you moving forward into it.  

Even peering into the starscape, I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking at or looking for.  I mean, I can assemble any sort of imaginary or practical future that I want--but plan? I've learned not to plan.  Consider the lilies, right?  

There are times when I'd like to plan.  There are even times when I think planning could be possible.  Times when I would love to be some sort of female John Wayne moving resolutely forward, like some cartoon version of America: 'well, I dare ya t' just knock ol' Maine off my shoulder.'

I think about strategies for ensuring some kind of safety or stability.  But that's not planning.  Planning assumes a sort of agency and control that I do not possess or have access to.  Or planning is like movie acting: writing a script, fully imagining it, and putting together a really interesting piece of fiction you figure other people may enjoy watching.  


Elizabeth said...

A year ahead? I'm thinking more in terms of days.

Special Needs Mama said...

I think you're right. I used to torture myself by thinking about my son's future. Nothing good came from in. Instead I joined a board that advocates for people with disabilities. That was something I could do in the now that might make a difference for the then.